Sometimes We Have To Retreat To Win

Reflection on my reflection
Reflection on my reflection

I retreated to the Georgia mountains yesterday for a time of reflection, introspection, redirection, prayer and focus. In fact, I’m writing this entry from my secret hideaway. My exact location is known only by God, my wife, and of course, the NSA (but that’s a discussion for another day).

I’ve been through a tough 15 months, floundering ‘in the wilderness’, as they say, and I was beginning to despair. I’ve made some bad decisions (financial and career, not moral), chased some rabbit trails and ‘wild geese’, and found myself at the end of my wits, my cash flow, and I feared, my sanity. Despair was giving way to long term depression.

“Open doors” turned into dead ends and “answered prayers” were nothing more than cruel hoaxes. I pursued career possibilities that weren’t and ministry opportunities that led nowhere. Friends and family, including our Church family, have been supportive and encouraging, but have been as baffled as I about my ongoing exile.

As I have walked through ‘the valley of the shadow’, I have never doubted the existence of God, or the truth of the Gospel. I have, though, at times wondered what kind of God He is. He has seemed cruel, distant and too busy blessing other people to be bothered with me. There seemed to be no ‘rod and staff’ to comfort me. I could not experience the victory of the resurrection, only the constant pain of crucifixion. The only Scripture I could recall is, “My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken me.”

I swear if I’d heard one more well-meaning person say, “We don’t know why this is happening, but we know God has something special planned for you”, I was going to run out into traffic. It was hollow in my ears and a dagger to my heart, rather than comfort for my soul.

My poor, wonderful, amazing wife has walked with me every dark step of the way. She has wept and prayed for and with me. If it was not for her support I might very well have broken. An old song says, “You were wind beneath my wings”. She has been so much more than that. She has been the eagle to my Frodo, carrying my broken soul to safety from the flames of Mordor.

Today, a hat trick of events has come together and rendered a miniscule crack in the darkness, allowing in enough light to provide the hint of a path forward.

  1. A post on Facebook led me to 2Chronicles 20 as part of my Bible reading for today. In that story, the Kingdom of Judah is being invaded by a three nation alliance and the future looks bleak. Jehoshaphat, King of Judah, calls the nation together to pray. In his prayer, the King openly admits, “we don’t know what to do. We are relying on you.” (Verse 12). You’ll have to read the chapter for yourself to see what happens.
  2. Someone I have known for many years, and whose family has been more than dear to me, has rejected the notion of Faith and the existence of God. My heart burns like fire and acid and I would single handedly storm the very gates of Hell, to change his mind. I cannot bear the agony of knowing anyone, especially those I care about, making such a choice.
  3. I saw myself in the mirror and realized that time is slipping away. Tic Toc. The years have not been kind to me. I look old and weary. I can see clearly that I have more miles behind me than in front of me, so I must make the most of the days I have. Time marches on. It takes its toll on us all. We must seize the day as if it’s our very last, fight as if the battle depends on us, pray as if it depends on God and repeat the process with each new dawn we are given.

From the time I was three years old, all I have ever wanted to do was preach the Gospel. While other kids dreamed about NFL careers, or wanted to practice law, or hit a baseball for money, I fantasized about standing in front of multitudes of people, introducing them to Jesus. To this day, my greatest joy comes from sharing Christ’s message of hope.

That life was stolen from me just as I entered my prime. The details are inconsequential; it happened. Period. Now it’s time to reclaim my calling, my destiny. I don’t know how just yet, but I know the what.

Along with preaching, my other great passions are writing and teaching people how to grow food to feed themselves. Everything else is just a distraction.

Now comes the hard part; figuring out how to do those three things in a way that glorifies God and supports my family at the same time. Stay tuned, I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, while “We don’t know what to do. We’re relying on You”.